The Time Machine Factor

The Time Machine Factor:   = Real Time/ Fun Quotient 

We have all experienced it.  Sometimes time goes by so quickly and sometimes it drags on endlessly.  How is this possible?  I have figured out that real time in days, hours or minutes (it doesn’t matter how you figure it) is divided by the fun quotient to then become the perceived time. Got that?   

Here are some examples.

Youth:  Do you remember being a kid and the days never ended? School was boring and endless, summer started out fun but then got boring and endless.

I am the youngest in my family with two older sisters. Let me tell you, time goes even more slowly for the poor bastard at the end of the line. All you do as a kid is wait to be big enough or old enough to do the fun things the big kids are doing.  Even worse, you are exposed to all of the fun stuff at an early age so that you really are prepared to have fun but are restricted by parents or rules or laws or some other form of regulation.

But being a kid, is kind of fun. I remember lots of fun days swimming, riding bikes and making mud pies sprinkled with my Mom’s flowers (pretending I was a witch and poisoning my enemies).

On a scale from 1-10 (1 being the least fun and 10 being awesome) I would rate being a kid a solid 3. Let’s do the math.

= 24 hours/ 3= 8 hours

So, in kid time one day seems like 3.  That sounds about right.

Love:  Love is the best thing ever. Especially in the beginning.  There has got to be a time machine factor involved here, because how else can you stay up all night, get 4 hours of sleep and go to work with a huge smile on your face? There has to be some kind of time warp.

= 24 hours/ 10 = 2.4 hours

How fun is that!  Being in love slows down life, allowing us to spend more time with the person we love. Fabulous! Sign me up.

Work:  Before we get too excited we have to address the down side of the fun quotient.  Specifically, how time is altered when we are not having fun. I use work as an example, but I think that being sick or angry would work too. For those events I use 1 as my fun quotient. The only way to go lower would be to use zero, but then I think we would be dead.  And when we are dead, time is a whole different ball of wax. I think.

= 24 hours/1 = 24 hours

No surprise there.

Fun:  There are many forms of fun and luckily they all apply to the time machine factor calculation.  It’s why our days off always go so fast.  Planting flowers, going out for a great meal, seeing a movie, walking the dog, listening to music….all ways to change the way the hours roll by.

There is one exception that I have experienced so far:

Boat Time: There is just something about being on a boat.  I love boats.  I have been on big boats, little boats, sailboats, dinghies, canoes, kayaks….I just love them. They completely alter time in a unique way.  Time is both endless and fast on a boat.  You can be reading and look up and it’s been five hours or you can look up from reading and it has been five minutes.

Love time and boat time can be interesting when put together. When it goes well it’s the best time ever! When it goes bad….well, let’s just say that the boat may come back with one less person and leave it at that.  Accidents can happen on a boat.

Make sure to combine love time and boat time with the right person.

Jimmy Buffett knows. I saw a sticker that said,” What Would Jimmy Buffett Do?”  I would say that when in doubt that is not a bad way to approach pretty much any situation.

“These changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes, Nothing remains quite the same. Through all of the islands and all of the highlands, If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.” – Jimmy Buffett

How can we alter time?

I am thinking a lot about youth.  Is it the hormones? Is it because we are learning? What is the secret?

I think hormones are going to be the next big thing.

I was going to go see a doctor in Milwaukee to have my hormones tested.  But, it is pricey! It’s like a thousand bucks to just get the basic work-up.  Then, you have to buy the hormones. Would I inject myself daily with HGH if it meant I could lose those extra ten pounds? (Twenty would be better) You betcha!  Especially if it meant I could eat bread and pasta again. Sigh…

Anyway, I never made it to the hormone doctor because I went to the dentist and had to have some of my old silver fillings replaced plus a crown plus apparently I am a “grinder” and it’s making my gums recede! Yikes. So, now I have to spend the hormone money on fixing my teeth and gums. I haven’t had the gum surgery yet, but my options are to “harvest” tissue from the roof of my mouth (yuck and ouch) or use “donor” tissue. My sister and I are calling it “dead people gums”. I am leaning toward the dead people gums. I will just name them Stan and Lila and smile and be fabulous with my new pink gums.

Going to have save up for the hormones. It’s on the list.

Learning is good. And it is fairly cheap.  I want to learn how to play the piano, speak either French or Italian and learn how to draw/paint. Ok, they are all on the list.

Love is a tricky little devil.  It can be so great and also crush you like a bug on a windshield. I am going to work on this area. It’s on the list in pencil, not pen. If I get my gums fixed, my new killer smile might just help me out in this department.

If you are already in love, then you are one step ahead. Now you have to stay in love which is a whole lot harder than falling in love.  Go ahead, pull the trigger.  Book the weekend getaway, buy some new undies, turn on some music…Guys, take your girl out for a walk, hold her hand and ask her how her day was. Throw in a movie or go see a band. Call if you are going to be late. Go to the grocery store with her.  I can feel the love from here.

When in doubt, go for a boat ride. Check the weather first.

It’s Friday! I am going to put my new found time machine factor to good use.  Who knows, maybe it will provide ample fodder for another story. Good luck to everybody this weekend. I hope your day is as fast or slow as you want it to be.