The Time Machine Factor

The Time Machine Factor:   = Real Time/ Fun Quotient 

We have all experienced it.  Sometimes time goes by so quickly and sometimes it drags on endlessly.  How is this possible?  I have figured out that real time in days, hours or minutes (it doesn’t matter how you figure it) is divided by the fun quotient to then become the perceived time. Got that?   

Here are some examples.

Youth:  Do you remember being a kid and the days never ended? School was boring and endless, summer started out fun but then got boring and endless.

I am the youngest in my family with two older sisters. Let me tell you, time goes even more slowly for the poor bastard at the end of the line. All you do as a kid is wait to be big enough or old enough to do the fun things the big kids are doing.  Even worse, you are exposed to all of the fun stuff at an early age so that you really are prepared to have fun but are restricted by parents or rules or laws or some other form of regulation.

But being a kid, is kind of fun. I remember lots of fun days swimming, riding bikes and making mud pies sprinkled with my Mom’s flowers (pretending I was a witch and poisoning my enemies).

On a scale from 1-10 (1 being the least fun and 10 being awesome) I would rate being a kid a solid 3. Let’s do the math.

= 24 hours/ 3= 8 hours

So, in kid time one day seems like 3.  That sounds about right.

Love:  Love is the best thing ever. Especially in the beginning.  There has got to be a time machine factor involved here, because how else can you stay up all night, get 4 hours of sleep and go to work with a huge smile on your face? There has to be some kind of time warp.

= 24 hours/ 10 = 2.4 hours

How fun is that!  Being in love slows down life, allowing us to spend more time with the person we love. Fabulous! Sign me up.

Work:  Before we get too excited we have to address the down side of the fun quotient.  Specifically, how time is altered when we are not having fun. I use work as an example, but I think that being sick or angry would work too. For those events I use 1 as my fun quotient. The only way to go lower would be to use zero, but then I think we would be dead.  And when we are dead, time is a whole different ball of wax. I think.

= 24 hours/1 = 24 hours

No surprise there.

Fun:  There are many forms of fun and luckily they all apply to the time machine factor calculation.  It’s why our days off always go so fast.  Planting flowers, going out for a great meal, seeing a movie, walking the dog, listening to music….all ways to change the way the hours roll by.

There is one exception that I have experienced so far:

Boat Time: There is just something about being on a boat.  I love boats.  I have been on big boats, little boats, sailboats, dinghies, canoes, kayaks….I just love them. They completely alter time in a unique way.  Time is both endless and fast on a boat.  You can be reading and look up and it’s been five hours or you can look up from reading and it has been five minutes.

Love time and boat time can be interesting when put together. When it goes well it’s the best time ever! When it goes bad….well, let’s just say that the boat may come back with one less person and leave it at that.  Accidents can happen on a boat.

Make sure to combine love time and boat time with the right person.

Jimmy Buffett knows. I saw a sticker that said,” What Would Jimmy Buffett Do?”  I would say that when in doubt that is not a bad way to approach pretty much any situation.

“These changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes, Nothing remains quite the same. Through all of the islands and all of the highlands, If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.” – Jimmy Buffett

How can we alter time?

I am thinking a lot about youth.  Is it the hormones? Is it because we are learning? What is the secret?

I think hormones are going to be the next big thing.

I was going to go see a doctor in Milwaukee to have my hormones tested.  But, it is pricey! It’s like a thousand bucks to just get the basic work-up.  Then, you have to buy the hormones. Would I inject myself daily with HGH if it meant I could lose those extra ten pounds? (Twenty would be better) You betcha!  Especially if it meant I could eat bread and pasta again. Sigh…

Anyway, I never made it to the hormone doctor because I went to the dentist and had to have some of my old silver fillings replaced plus a crown plus apparently I am a “grinder” and it’s making my gums recede! Yikes. So, now I have to spend the hormone money on fixing my teeth and gums. I haven’t had the gum surgery yet, but my options are to “harvest” tissue from the roof of my mouth (yuck and ouch) or use “donor” tissue. My sister and I are calling it “dead people gums”. I am leaning toward the dead people gums. I will just name them Stan and Lila and smile and be fabulous with my new pink gums.

Going to have save up for the hormones. It’s on the list.

Learning is good. And it is fairly cheap.  I want to learn how to play the piano, speak either French or Italian and learn how to draw/paint. Ok, they are all on the list.

Love is a tricky little devil.  It can be so great and also crush you like a bug on a windshield. I am going to work on this area. It’s on the list in pencil, not pen. If I get my gums fixed, my new killer smile might just help me out in this department.

If you are already in love, then you are one step ahead. Now you have to stay in love which is a whole lot harder than falling in love.  Go ahead, pull the trigger.  Book the weekend getaway, buy some new undies, turn on some music…Guys, take your girl out for a walk, hold her hand and ask her how her day was. Throw in a movie or go see a band. Call if you are going to be late. Go to the grocery store with her.  I can feel the love from here.

When in doubt, go for a boat ride. Check the weather first.

It’s Friday! I am going to put my new found time machine factor to good use.  Who knows, maybe it will provide ample fodder for another story. Good luck to everybody this weekend. I hope your day is as fast or slow as you want it to be.

Like a Rolling Stone

I just can’t seem to stop moving. Literally.

Years ago, someone asked my sister if I would be around for a while.  Her response, “She’s a rolling stone.”

Let’s see.

1969-1987:      Mom and Dad’s house. Birth through high school graduation.

1987-1991:      University of Wisconsin –Madison.  2 years in the dorms. My first apartment was torched by an arsonist and the location is where the Kohl center now resides. I find this very suspicious.  Second apartment was a total dive on South Orchard Street near Union South.  The kind of apartment that is still available when the semester has already started.  Year 4 we had a great apartment on Pinckney Street which was right off the square and near lots of good bars.  Perfect.

1991-1992:      Year off.  Spent some time in a shack in Clark, CO, another dive apartment on Langdon Street in Madison, and finally my Mom and Dad’s place again.

1992-1996:       First year apartment was a total dive in Forest Grove, OR.  The following three years were spent in a much better place in Beaverton, OR with my two roomies Nicolas and Trevor.  We are still very good friends. We would have parties after we took our board exams and there would be a bunch of future optometrists getting hammered and lifting weights and being crazy in general.

1997:       Charlotte, NC:  My first job as an optometrist.  I had a pretty decent apartment.  My sister came to visit with paint rollers in her suitcase and we painted the place.  Living room wall blue, my bedroom purple.  We must have done a decent job because I got my deposit back.  When it came time to move, two friends came to get me.  Big Mike took one look at my sofa and said, “Oh no, I am not moving that cheap sofa down 2 flight of stairs again.” This sofa had been purchased for 100 bucks in Oregon at a rummage sale and had been transported to both Wisconsin and North Carolina.  We threw it over the balcony and put the broken bits into the dumpster clearly marked no personal items.  Had a great dinner and bottle of wine at Manzetti’s and got the hell out of there.

1998:       Returned to Wisconsin.  Lived with Mom. (Dad was in heaven by then.) I filled-in all around the area working for a bunch of optometrists.  My Mom was my roommate/secretary/Mom.  Once in a while I run into one of the doctors I used to fill-in for.  Whenever he sees me the first thing he says is, “How is your Mom?” They used to plan my schedule and did a great job.

1998-2000:      I bought my first house on Lake Street.  Great bungalow.  Fabulous garden because the previous owner really was a master gardener. (Unlike, me…. I am a wannabe.)  My Mom helped me plant a raspberry patch and asparagus patch.  Later, both were destroyed by the next owners who built a bigger garage.  It was my first place.  When a good friend got married, I was able to host several of the groomsmen instead of them having to stay in a hotel. I remember making cinnamon rolls from a can and orange juice from a can and they thought I was freaking Martha Stewart. Fun.

2000:       Sold the first house because I was working out of town and the commute was getting to me. Made a small profit, so that was good.  Moved into a historic apartment in an old factory. Great loft.  Historic Fox River Mills.  It was pricey, more than my house payment but fun.  Lived there until I blew my ACL skiing and couldn’t make it up the steep stairs to the loft.  Back to Mom’s…

2001:       Knee better. Rented a crazy apartment above the old dime store on Main Street. I remember I was just getting out of the shower watching CNBC when the Towers fell.  That was such a terrible tragedy.

2002:       Moved to Oshkosh, WI and lived in a small apartment for a very short time.  Bought my tiny 2 bed/1 bath green and white “cottage”. No lake. Just a small, cute as pie house.  The best thing about the place was that it was in the direct path of the largest airshow on the planet, the EAA, which is held every July.  I would be outside watering my flowers and watch the B-52’s fly directly over me.  I think the pilots must of thought, “Who’s the crazy chick watering her flowers in her nightie?” I loved it.

At the time I was dating a much older guy (17 years) who was financially more established and in a completely different socio-economic sphere.  It took a while but eventually I started having some of his friends and family over for dinner. I have to say they were all good sports and didn’t make me feel bad about my tiny house or hand me down furniture.  In fact, I think they liked how relaxed my place was- not fussy!

We used to go to the Pioneer Inn on Lake Winnebago.  It has been destroyed now, but used to have a great little tiki bar with live music in the summer. One particular summer night, the vodka was flowing and I did my best Stevie Nicks impersonation.

‘I’ll follow you down til the sound of my voice will haaauuuunt yooooo.’

To this day my now ex-sweetheart doesn’t like to listen to Fleetwood Mac anymore because it reminds him of me.  It was a really good impersonation.  I did the spinny-dance moves and everything.

2007:       Work change.  Moved to…guess where? Mom’s house again. The tiny house sold very quickly and I was desperate and threw everything into boxes and moved in with Mom.

2008:       Bought my current house.  Super cute.  A little bigger. 3 bed/2 bath.  Great yard, on a river with a bit of a cliff in back.  I did make a few improvements to the place. Always thinking ahead to when I would sell it.

Guess what?  I haven’t sold it.  I have officially been in this house the longest I have stayed in a single place since I graduated from high school.  Woo hoo.  I did put it up for sale for a short time about three years ago anticipating another job change. It didn’t happen.  I am glad I stayed.  I also had a weak moment this winter when we had the worst winter in 100 years.  I was sorely tempted to move south.  But, I didn’t.

I must be planning to stay a while because I am starting to make changes to the place that are just for me- not for adding resale value.  I have never done that before.

All bets are off though if I win the Powerball. Then I might have to buy a compound in Miami Beach and a ski chalet in Steamboat. (A girl can be a dreamer, can’t she?)

Am I still a rolling stone?  It would seem I have worn a flat spot that has landed. I roll a bit and then come to rest, back in the same spot.  That’s ok.  I feel good about it.

The potential to roll is there. As long as I have that it seems to be enough. For now.

Lake Street House Front



Lake Street House Back


Lake Street Bloom
Historic Fox River Mills Loft
Green and White ‘Cottage” Oshkosh Front
Green and White ‘Cottage” Oshkosh Back
Current House Back Garden
Current House Side Yard View of my Neighbor Jerry’s Tree.

The Grind

For awhile now I have been wondering, “Is this all there is?”

Specifically, when it comes to work and everyday life. It’s so boring! I have talked about this with my sisters and some close friends. Basically, we came to the conclusion that our 40’s and 50’s are spent doing the necessary things that will ultimately allow us to enjoy life later. I call it The Grind.

See, unless you are born fabulously wealthy and gorgeous and live on a tropical island…..then maybe it is all ok. But for the rest of us, we are figuring out how we got this far in the first place, do we really want to be here, do we want to stay here, what lies ahead and how do we get there. Whew. I am exhausted.

At least I am not in my twenties. At the time I thought it was great, but I was totally clueless and my life kind of just ‘happened’. I hope it is different now and that young adults have more common sense and maturity than I had. Basically, I went to the same college my sisters attended, did the same stuff, had a blast, and graduated with a History of Science degree. My Dad asked me what I would do with a History of Science degree. I said, “Nothing! I have to go to school some more to actually do something.” Wow. Now, I kind of get why Mom and Dad encouraged me to get a degree like accounting, nursing, teaching, engineering,….you know, the kind you can actually get a job with after you graduate. Anyway, it all worked out. I took a year off, tended bar, cleaned a lot of toilets on a dude ranch, worked in a hospital and figured out that I would/should be an Optometrist. All’s well that ends well…right?

Yesterday I read an article by Betty Liu- Anchor at “In the Loop” at Bloomberg TV on linkedIn called: Why Jeffrey Katzenberg Thinks You Should Stop Following Your Passion. I liked it. The gist of the discussion is that we are always being told to “follow your passion” and you will have a great career and life. Jeffrey Katzenberg actually advised to “follow your skill” and the passion will follow. Interesting. That makes a lot of sense to me.

What is my skill?

The gift of gab? I think maybe so. ( After all, I was voted Most Talkative in high school – scary, but true.) That actually works for being an Optometrist so I am going to go with it.

I digress. Back to The Grind. I am currently reading Thrive by Arianna Huffington. So far, it is hitting home for me. I think this book could be useful for both women and men. It starts out with the notion that we have all been brainwashed to think that success is achieved by accumulating wealth and power. Sure, both of those things are nice to have. But at what cost to our health, relationships and overall well-being? Arianna talks about Thriving which is completely different than Succeeding.

Thriving involves four elements which include: Well-being, Wisdom, Wonder and Giving.

Well-being involves being physically, emotionally, and mentally engaged in the act of living. Right now. Not later. Take a minute to breathe.

Some days I feel like I haven’t taken a breath all day.

I won’t go into too much of the book except to say that I am going to make an effort to get more sleep, disconnect from media now and again, enjoy quality time with people I care about, give thanks, and pay attention to the stuff that really matters to me. I am going to have to think about that part. What really matters to me?

For awhile now I have been doing Affirmations. Sometimes, they come very easily to me. You know, the obvious (but important) ones such as my health is good, my family’s health is good, I have a job, I like my little house, I love my dog. …

Sometimes they don’t come as easily. That is when I say to myself, ” I am thankful that so and so isn’t driving me crazy anymore.” That is probably a borderline affirmation, but beggars can’t be choosers. Or when I am grateful that my life isn’t someone else’s…. that is probably considered bad affirmation etiquette. It’s a work in progress.

I think with a some effort and good humor it’s possible that The Grind may turn into Thriving. Wouldn’t that be grand? On that note, I will go for that walk and breathe…and do some affirmations (the good kind.)